Part 2: Using Your Strengths and Weaknesses to Build Your Self-Esteem

Hi there, it’s me, Dr. Carla Marie Manley, and we are ready for segment two of building self esteem, building strong self esteem. And so you’ve completed part one, along with the worksheet and the quiz and the quiz is simply meant to be more informative as far as helping you embrace the concepts and really help you to reinforce the concepts and that’s the way it is with every one of the quizzes are intended to be difficult simply affirming, okay, formative and affirming. And so before we begin part two, reminding you of my books, aging joyfully and again, no matter how old you are 2030 4050 or beyond this book for men and women. And the reason it’s for men as well as because 99% of the concepts in the book apply to men as well as women, and it’s important for us, no matter how young or old we are to have Remember, they’re getting older happens to all of us. And so if we really learn the concept of healthy aging, no matter what our age is, what our chronological age is, we are certain to age more gracefully and more beautifully, if we’re mindful. And then my second book, joy from fear, create the life of your dreams by making fear your friend. This book is beautiful, because not only does it touch on self esteem, that is part of the book, but it really helps you dive in to issues that might be holding you back in your life so that you create life of your dreams. So now that we’ve done that, let’s move into segment two. So, in segment one, we learned about what self esteem is what self esteem is not. We talked about the differences between self esteem and stuff, self confidence. So now in this segment, we’re going to really look at the signs of low self esteem and By comparison, you also be able to notice the signs of high self esteem. And this is not meant for you to judge yourself or criticize yourself. When you notice an area that needs some work. It’s simply about information. And so whether you are noticing pieces in yourself where you’re suffering from low self esteem, or in others, because that will happen, you will start noticing people who are coming from a place of low self esteem. It’s never to judge never to criticize. It is about using that information, to figure out how you want to tweak your life to figure out the shifts you want to make. So no blame, no shame, but definitely forward movement, right action. And so I’ll just give you a really quick hand. Really good example. You might, as you’re moving through this, begin to notice that there are people in your life that are bullies, you might go wow, that’s odd. I didn’t think bullies had low self esteem, then you’ll be able to identify that that is coming from a place of low self esteem. Somebody who is, you know, needing to have overarching power control, low self esteem, and then you’ll be able to figure out what to do with that, right? In order to have more freedom in your life more, more strength, more inner awareness, the same thing, you know, on the opposite end, you might notice in yourself or in others, somebody who is very people pleasing, who doesn’t stand up for themselves. And you’ll be able to say, Oh, I recognize that that’s where that’s coming from. Again, do the tweaks, the shifts that allow you to do better in that area, and have more compassionate for yourself more compassion for yourself, more empathy for yourself, and more empathy and compassion for others, right? And that’s the benefit of coming from a self awareness approach. So never to judge to blame, shame or criticize. It is always about noticing what’s not working and taking concerted action to do less of that. Notice what is working Taking concerted effort to maintain that or do more if possible, if it’s appropriate. And so what you’ll find as you do this work, that again, you’ll see bits of yourself in a lot of what I talk about, you’ll see bits of others in a lot of what I talked about. And again, never doing anything to shame yourself or criticize yourself or shame or criticize others, but use it as information so you can make the necessary changes, right. All right, so first, we’ll talk about the 10. Common, what I see is some of the 10 most common signs of low self esteem. The reason these are important to look at is because then you’ll be able to start identifying them. So I’ll give you a brief overview and then we’ll dive into each one of them in more depth. And again, as you notice the signs of low self esteem you’ll be able to compare and say okay, well the opposite then might be a sign of higher self esteem. All right. So one of the first one is and this list is not exhaustive By the way, there are definitely other signs of low self esteem These are some of the most common ones that I’ve noticed throughout throughout my work as a clinician and in my personal world. So you’ll you’ll come to find out the ones that are more prevalent in your world. So the first one is somebody who is all about me. I am I am Look at me look at what I do I put myself first I I can although it sounds like it might be coming for a person with high self esteem. It’s actually coming from low self esteem. We’ll get to that in a bit. Next one is the opposite of people pleasing attitude. Somebody who’s oh no let me do for you. Let me do for you. Let me make you happy. Let me keep the peace people pleasing attitude. The third one is a false happy face. Emphasis on false somebody who is happy and wants to appear happy to the outside world at great cost. Okay, number four, show you behavior. Number four is Hey, look at what I have. Look at what I did look at my poster on the wall. Look at what I own. Look at what Look, look, look at me, me, me, okay? So they want you. That’s the behavior that’s showing you they want to show off their accomplishments and material success. You know, it’s very externally oriented. Okay? Number Five inability to take feedback. So we’re not talking about somebody not being able to take harsh criticism or something unkind driving by an inability to take constructive feedback. Okay, number six, strong inner critic, somebody who has an internal voice that is just mercilessly pounding on them, telling them they do this wrong that wrong, they’re birthless wait till I won’t find out how bad you really are. strong negative inner critic. Number seven inability to engage in back and forth conversation, in true dialogue, where you’re actually talking talking to somebody like Aaron equal, not like they’re less than you, or like they’re way more than you but as an equal, okay? And then number eight, low or non existent empathy to sign up low self esteem if somebody can’t see another person’s point of view or put themselves in another person’s shoes, okay? Number nine abusive behavior. So whether somebody is physically, emotionally, spiritually financially sexually abusive sign of low self esteem, number 10 over reliance on success, so instead of having a balanced approach to life, that this person is really Reliant somebody with low self esteem may be just hyper reliant on a particular hobby or career success, you know, one or two key areas of life where they feel confident in that area, but their self esteem is not there. Okay. So those are 10 of the most common sense self esteem. These signs can also be signs, you know of other issues going on. So it’s not that it’s if you see this it’s not that it’s only self poor self esteem at work or always poor self esteem at work, but these are we’re talking in generalities okay. So, why do these behaviors reflect low self esteem? So before I really get into the nitty gritty of each one of these, why would they tend to show low self esteem? In a nutshell, somebody who has strong self esteem is considerate of the self respectful self, honest with the self, humble with the self, you know, kind with the self and therefore, those basic principles are also given to others. consideration. Kindness, humbleness, appreciation in a recognition So, you know, all of these good qualities so somebody who has strong self esteem is able to navigate that world of being kind of the self and being kind to others being one person at home and the same person in the outside world, being a kind person with one’s you know, partner and kids and friends, and the same kindness, you know, with a stranger. And we’re talking you know, not about extenuating circumstances where you might not be, you know, kind with somebody who’s, you know, trying to harm you out in public, private, that general flavor, really just being comfy in your own skin, moving throughout the different places of life, being a genuinely kind, respectful, honest, integrity filled human being. Okay, so now let’s get back into these topics, each one of them to talk a little bit more about why they might be signs of low self esteem. So let’s look at the first one and I am looking at me I i attitude, right? It’s all about me. Well, it’s important for all of us to have some consideration for ourselves, right? We have to know when to eat, when to, you know, have something to drink, and when to dress and, you know, take care of our education and all those things all important. But we don’t want that to be the world. We want to be able to truly and deeply care about others, not just when it benefits us and not just when we get noticed. But to really have an attitude that is about caring for others deeply and fully. And so that really thoughtful way of being is a sign of strong self esteem because you are so secure and so strong in yourself, that you’re able to turn energy to others, you’re able to put others needs, you know, out there, you’re able to see how your your actions affect others. You’re able to say that if you forget somebody’s birthday or you’re late or That you don’t draw somebody into mutual plans, how it affects the other person. So again, being other oriented, you know, noticing the self taking care of itself, but also oriented toward others a nice balance, sign of strong self esteem. Okay? Number two, the people pleasing attitude, it’s good to please others, it’s good to care that others are happy and safe, but not to the degree that we are trying to get people to love us that we forget who we are, and what we really need in order to make people care about us. And that is often a sign of low self esteem when somebody is willing to do anything beat anybody morph into anything, just to be loved. Right? I can understand where it comes from. But we want to work on that so that we don’t give up the self so that we maintain our boundaries. And so that we’re able to have people love us because they love who we are not what we can do for them. They love us because we are a good human being. But if they don’t love us for being a good human being, that’s their loss, right? sign a strong self esteem. So number three, a false happy face. It’s important to be happy in life and to put on that you know, smile. And sometimes we need to do that if we’re going to work or meeting with someone we don’t know when a huge rain cloud over us all the time if something’s going on. But it’s also important to be able to be sad, to be able to be angry in a responsible way to be able to feel one’s feelings and steel to steel feel good about yourself. So that if you’re not even have to be sunshiny all the time. It’s such a myth in our society. It is okay to say if somebody says hey, how you feeling say, not my best today, right? And if you’re really good friend or your, your sweetheart to be able to say, you know, I’m really hurting today and this is why right So to really be able to own your feelings, and use them responsibly and talk about them responsibly and work on them responsible, not always having to be happy and at all the opposite of always being grumpy, right. So, now next one showy behavior, this one is tied to number one. And this one is the person who is Oh, look at me look at the car, I drive, look at how many of this I have, look at what I built, look at what I I again, that very eye oriented way of being. But in this case, it’s the behavior that we’re looking more at the behavior of, these are the material things that I’ve accrued, these are the successes in life I’ve accrued. reason this is important is because this kind of person if you took those things away, and that’s all their life is based on, whether it’s, you know, the business they build or whether it’s their, you know, ability to kick a soccer ball. If you take that away, they don’t know who they are. And that’s where the collapse can happen, right? Because we want to be proud of our successes in life in a very humble way, in a very true way. But we also want to have more going on. We want to be able to say, Oh, yeah, I did build this business, or I did write this book, or I am great at this. But I also am so proud of these other areas. I’m proud of being you know, a good partner. I’m proud of being, you know, a really good gardener. I’m proud of being really good best friend. I’m proud of being good at self work, right? So all of those things, again, not about being showing to the outside world. A little bit of that is okay, in a humble way. But really having so much more going on inside. That gives you pride. Yes, humble pride. Okay. Number five, an inability to take feedback. So again, we’re not talking here about somebody being critical, or rude or abrasive and saying things in a negative way. That’s not bad. But if somebody is not able to take feedback, if you say, Hey, I would prefer this than that, or Hey, I would really like it if you did this or Hey, could you think about that? Some people have no tolerance for that. If they are not the one talking and they’re not the one guiding the conversation and conversation is not within their comfort zone, they want to shut you down. That is a sign of poor self confidence. That person can’t take feedback. If that person can’t have you say, hey, I’d like a little more of this or a little less of that sign of low self esteem. Right? Okay. Then let’s move to number six. The strong inner critic, you’ll see a lot of these are interrelated in the strong inner critic. It’s actually tied to the one we just talked about because the strong inner critic is constantly whining inside that person’s head. You may not be aware of it because they might look really tough on the outside, they might look like they have great you know, self confidence or great self esteem but When you start peeling back the layers, you realize that inside that head is a voice that is constantly shaming them constantly criticizing, saying things like, you know, you’re horrible, you’re bad. Wait till until they find out who you really are, you’re an imposter. Your low life, you know, all of these voices, some of them emanating from childhood, mind you a lot of this stuff comes from childhood, where people were very kind to us and put things in our heads that, you know, really shouldn’t be there. But that’s a whole nother topic. So, when you look at this view, or someone you know, has a strong inner critic, it’s a sign of low self esteem. Why? Because that critic erodes, you know, you try and get ahead of things and then that voice just comes in and slams you down. Sign again of low self esteem, and a cause of low self esteem as well. Okay, number seven, and an inability to engage in back and forth conversation. And that ties to what we talked about earlier. And so it’s that idea that if you can’t take feedback, if you can’t engage in dialogue, and really being able to hear somebody else really hear, really listen, and, and be there for them with empathy, if you’re not able to have that back and forth, you know, kind of a ping pong a nice back and forth, generally a sign of low self esteem, because somebody was strong self esteem, is able to engage in dialogue. They don’t have to have it be about all right or wrong or good or bad. They’re able to stay in that gray area, where someone who has low self esteem, they have to be right they have to win they have to, you know, it’s all about winning, it’s all about, you know, and that is so destructive. Its destructive to relationships, destructive to self esteem, because you have to understand why it’s distracting. If I’m over here, and this is right, this is the only way that life is what this concept is. If you try and get me over here or over here, I’m gonna fight you and I’m going to be precariously balanced on this right thing. And so I get so afraid you’re gonna tumble me? Not really a healthy place to live, is it because it’s precarious, where somebody who’s in the now, in that gray area is able to sway when I ever say, Oh, I see your perspective. I like mine. Maybe I’ll shift from mine a little and maybe I won’t, but I can really see your perspective. I can and they’re not paying just lip service, they’re actually able to hop into your skin from and have such strong self esteem that they can hop in your skin. It’s not about agreeing with you. It’s not about you agreeing with them. Something hop into somebody’s skin and say, Ah, I can see how you would think that way or you’re your own human being with your own history. I can see how clearly you know you’re coming from that perspective. So let me just mullet about and take it as information. And anytime I hear you, I really see where you’re coming from, I really care about super self esteem for somebody who’s able to do that. Somebody is doing the right wrong, good, bad, you’re wrong, I’m gathering evidence against you, you’re wrong, you’re wrong sign of low self esteem and other issues. Okay. So let’s look at the next one low or non existent empathy guide to the one we just did. If somebody has empathy, and they’re really able to get another person’s experience, they’re able to be there with other people. They’re able to not be about them, but to also be with others to be concerned with others, to be aware of the impact of, of life on others, the impact, they have the impact the world has to be able to just be there and say I get you. I can imagine And what that feels like I’m there with you sign of such strong self esteem. And again, if somebody doesn’t have empathy, it really gets in the way of self esteem because they’re in that paradigm of only being concerned with the self. And when we’re only concerned with the self, there’s not much room for growth is there the growth comes from being empathic, being concerned for others, which by the way, is a win win, because when we are concerned for others, we tend to grow as well. We grow we benefit by being stronger and more aware. So it’s, it’s a win win. Okay, number nine abusive behavior. Oh, goodness, anyone who is abusive, whether it is physically, mentally, emotionally, a lot of these are interrelated, sexually, whether it is spiritually financially abusive people have low self esteem. abusive people are bullies. Bullies have very low self esteem, power and control people very low self esteem. Why? Because it’s all they have. All they perceive I have because really, no one has power ultimately over another human being. Because we have our internal world where we can go and be, even if we’re in a jail cell. If we have strong self esteem, we’re able to be in that jail cell and still be okay still know that all will be well. And, but if we have low self esteem, we want to put everybody else in a jail cell but what we don’t realize is that we are in the biggest jail cell of all because we are trying to control others. When we don’t really have control over what matters which is this inner world of strength. And when you grow that into a world of strength, you will never be abusive to other people. You will not even know you will be kind it will be loving and You will be kind of learning for yourself. And so if somebody is trying to be toxic or abusive with you, if you have strong self esteem, this is the flip side of it, you will say, Nope, nope. Do not talk to me that way. No, I feel hurt when you talk to me that way. I feel very sad when you talk to me that way. I feel very angry when you do this and are disrespectful with me. And here’s what I need done differently. And if that person across from you is not able to listen is not able to do their part, then you get to decide with strong self esteem, the best action in order to take care of yourself, right. So again, people with strong self esteem, they tend to not be sarcastic because sarcasm is disguised hostility. I’m not a fan of sarcasm at all. I’m not a fan of the person who says oh, I’m just joking with you. jokes are meant to be funny. So if you know something’s not funny to me, you’re not going to keep repeating it unless you’re trying to hurt me. So that’s a little piece to tuck in there because I hear that So much from people. So again, if they if there’s somebody in your life who’s being abusive sign of low self esteem doesn’t mean you need to tolerate it. You can be, he can be, you know, compassionate, you can feel empathy for them. But it doesn’t mean it’s wise to tolerate that, because it damages you, and you tolerating it. Also, interestingly enough, damages them because it just gives them more of the ability to keep going on their ways. It’s not your responsibility to fix somebody who does that. But you might be able to call it out at the environment of safe and say, No, that’s abusive. No, no, this is how I deserve to be treated. Okay. So number 10. overreliance on success in one or two key areas of life, that’s a sign of low self esteem, because in general in life, we accrue accomplishments throughout life, right. And we crew things that yes, we can talk about on the outside like I did that. I did. That I’m currently you know, you know, really fascinated by yoga or I am currently really into, you know, ice skating whatever it is, and be humbly proud of one’s accomplishments. But to only be able to have one accomplishment, I made this much money I did this business. I, you know, I have this I have that. If we only have one or two areas of life, we don’t have the balance. So ideally, somebody who has grown strong self esteem is also able to say, I am a good person. I have spent years working on this beautiful soul and my heart on my spirit. And wow, I am so proud of that. I am proud, right humbly proud of my ability to be a good partner. My ability to be a loving parent, my ability to be a person of my word. Notice how those have nothing to do really with external success. Although it may Indeed, effect director, external success, those are lasting qualities that if something were to happen to the stock market or to the business environment or to the ice skating rink, I would still be able to turn back to all of these things I have grown, I have grown and worked on that are permanent, right. So that’s why we want to see that last one. It’s a sign of low self esteem. Not that it’s negative to have accomplishments in the outside world. Oh my goodness, that’s so beautiful. But also just not have those be the only things to be able to talk about other accomplishments, giving back to the community being philanthropic volunteering, and caring about the environment, right, want to be able to draw, you know, our own attention to the other areas in life that we are working on balance, okay. So, as we draw this segment to a conclusion, I want you to be able to like The worksheet that I gave as part of this course. And you’ll be able to really look at the worksheet and make your way through and have some questions perhaps, as you work through it and reflect on them because that’s a lot of what we’re doing. We’re reflecting on the journey on what we learn in the videos, and then what we learn in the worksheets, and then using the quizzes, very dental quizzes, as a way to really reinforce the concepts to maybe go a little, you know, just a nudge, you know, getting the concepts more settled into the brain. And so as you look at worksheet two, what you’ll want to notice is that you will be looking at your strengths and your weaknesses with objectivity. You will also be doing work on your your capacities, your strengths for frailties and your weaknesses. And then you’re going to be in this part you’re going to start working on actively cultivating More of your strengths, you know, working on your strengths, embracing them, cultivating them more. And then looking at some of your I don’t want to give it all away, but also looking at your fragile areas in life or your weaker areas, and getting some attention to those. Never in an unkind way, always in a positive, affirming way. And remember the principles that as you engage in your work, please do not be judgmental with yourself. Do not be critical, be kind and compassionate. When you do your work, please make sure that you’re mentally and emotionally and physically in a space that feels good and right and safe to you. As you progress. You also want to make sure that you’re proceeding at a pace that feels right to you. Just just going at your own pace. certain exercises don’t feel right, you want to repeat them, you want to loop back to them later. You never want to do them. That’s your choice. That is up to you really honor. And then the third piece, which is always very important, self work can be very challenging. And sometimes you might find that Wait a second, I want to pause this and I want want or need the support of a professional psychotherapist, I want a good one mentor. And in, you know, in really serious situations, you might say, Hey, I really need some immediate support, I want to call 911 and get some immediate support. And so really keep that in mind that your mental health is really important. And so proceed really compassionately really kindly, and be good to you. And so that’s it one more flash of my books there and aging joyfully and remembering your work as you go forward. Be kind to yourself, be good to yourself. And as you start seeing some of these qualities in your world, remember you’re seeing them in yourself if you’re seeing them in other people Just slow it down. You need to be confrontational negative. Just start noticing that simple concept. We’ve talked about doing more of what feels good. And if that means being with people that feel good, being with people that are kind and compassionate, do more of that. That means being around people, or situations that are toxic or destructive, to lessen that, because you are important, it’s important to take really good care of yourself. So I look forward to seeing you for segment three. Be well take care of yourself, and enjoy your homework really, it’s meant even though you know you’re going deeper and deeper with each segment. And you remember it’s meant to be a gift to yourself. So proceeded to place in a place and at a pace that feels right to you. All right. Take care. Bye bye.