Part 3: Growing Your Self-Esteem with Practice and Perseverance

Hi, thanks for joining me for the last part of our series on building strong self esteem. So, by now you’ve done part one, and you’ve done the video, you’ve done the worksheet and you’ve done the quiz. And that helped you lay a really strong foundation to understand self esteem and start really embracing the concepts of self esteem and looking at how self esteem affects you in your life. Part Two, was really about taking a deeper dive into self esteem, looking at your strengths, looking at your weaknesses, really deepening your work. So you had the video, you had the worksheet and then you had the affirming quiz, right? The quiz. It’s designed to support you in the concept, right. So now you’re ready for part three. And this is the important part. It’s all important but this is where you get to dive in and actually start doing some big work you’ve been working the whole way along. But all of that work has been to give you a strong foundation. Now is the time where you get to start making actionable changes. That’s the kind of work that you will really be investing in and moving forward. Because honestly, as we know, in any part of life, we can get concepts we can increase our self awareness. But what’s really critical is that we start using those concepts, we start acting on the self awareness, day in and day out, so that we can really find the changes in our life and find them blossoming, just feel that notice them, not all at once, but over time, being able to look back a month, two months, three months a year down the line and say, Hi, I really have shifted my life. Okay, so before we launch into segment three, reminding you about Books joy from fear. One of the reasons I like touching on this book is that it’s important because it does talk about self esteem in joy from fear. But it’s one of the components in joy from fear. One of the essential components and there is so much work inside the self, that you have a handbook to have a guidebook that acts like a therapist. That’s what this book is all about with lots of exercises to help you deepen your journey. So joy from fear. It’s just a dream of a book I just said I believe in it. And then of course, aging joyfully, which is this book, again, it says it’s for women, it’s really genderless there’s very little in it, that doesn’t apply to to everybody in life. And so whether you’re 20 3040 5060 you know, however old you are. This book helps you prepare your body, your mind and your spirit to age in a really radiant way through every year. Every A decade of your life. Okay, so let’s get back to the fun stuff about self esteem. So as you begin to move in to this deeper journey with self esteem, you really want to be direct with you that it’s not easy work. The work again that you’ve done in segment one, and segment two, very important work. But now we are going to start taking action. And the reason I’m emphasizing this is I don’t want you to get disheartened. I don’t want you to lose hope. Because that’s what happens with so many people. They think, oh, if I read a self help book or, you know, take, take a course that everything’s going to shift. Yes, it shifts in your awareness, right, you then become aware of it, but you must be able to actually do the work day in and day out. And in a way, it’s like being aware that you need to brush and floss your teeth, you have that awareness, but if you don’t brush and floss regularly You’re going to have some serious mental trouble, right. And so that’s how it is with psychological concepts, we can become aware of the need to floss and brush our mental health, but we have to really do it every day. And so that’s what I am asking you to invest in, in this segment and going forward to know that you will make shifts slow and steady shifts, but they will become permanent, they will become part of you neurobiologically more quickly and readily if you practice every day. Now, it sounds like that might be a heavy load, but it’s actually a really good. It’s like practice sitting, you know, doing something you love, whatever that is, whether it’s walking yoga, whether it’s you know, eating your favorite food, if you look at it as a positive, not as a negative, you will come to actually enjoy the work. Alright, so, now you get it. So what you’ll be doing in your worksheet It’s going to be really important in guiding you through this process, because the worksheet and I don’t want to repeat a lot of it here because the worksheet you know really says it all for you. I want you to take each exercise very seriously to really dive in, slow down, do the exercises, redo the exercises if you need to. And as with every exercise every bit of this course, remember the basic principles which is when you invest in self work, you want to be mentally and physically and you know, emotionally in a good space. You want to be in a physical space that is quiet and free of distractions. You want to also move at your own pace, never trying to speed up too fast, or, or you know, go rush through something because you want to be at a pace where you’re actually able to process and integrate the information. You also want to make really sure that if you choose to skip an exercise or a component of a bigger It doesn’t feel right. It’s absolutely fine. If you want to come back and do it later, that’s fine. If you find that you want to repeat a couple of components, absolutely fine. Again, listen to yourself. The more you listen to yourself, by the way, the more that you are building self esteem, because you’re creating a really lovely relationship with yourself. It’s built on trust that’s built on saying, Okay, I’m slowing down this desert does not work for me. So if it does work for me, maybe I’ll do it a little more. If it’s not working for me, Hmm, maybe I don’t want to do it at all. Or maybe I want to take a pause and see if I want to come back to it. When we do that throughout life. We actually build a better connection to the body, the mind and the Spirit because we’re listening to our inner wisdom. So I asked you to do that throughout your work. And then of course, if anything becomes too challenging or unsettling, remember, that’s what professional psychologist is for or a mentor. And it’s something it’s really challenging Of course you want Call 911. If you need some sort of immediate support, that’s, that’s really critical. So with all of that said, Remember, you’re not alone, that this journey is About going inward, but it’s also about getting external support, if you need it as part again of strong self esteem, being able to reach out for help in any amount when you needed sign of strength. Okay? So, as you move into this segment, I really ask you, what I really want to stress is that you’re going to be looking at creating change. You’re going to be looking at the changes you want to make, you’re going to be creating a lot of action oriented work that will allow you every day again, emphasizing doing more of what feels right to you. Really refining your strengths, working on your strengths, and doing less of anything that doesn’t work for you. negative interactions with people, you know, anything that doesn’t feel good, all of that is going to build your self esteem. Okay? So then you’re going to really look at anything on the inside that is still there that’s blocking you. So might need a little more work. If you have a really strong inner critic, maybe that’s what you’re going to be focusing on. Maybe they’re, you know, there is some, again, negative self talk, maybe there are still some self worth issues lingering around. Maybe you’re hearing voices, you know, that come from childhood, somebody’s saying something negative to you, that’s really, you know, you’re not good enough. Maybe it’s something from a former relationship or somebody didn’t believe in you, and that voice is still hanging around. You’re going to look at anything that is stuck inside of you. Any negative thoughts, attitudes, beliefs, anything that’s holding you back, and you’re going to work on that in a really gentle and positive way. And I want to stress that it’s never About judgment, judging yourself judging the others. It’s never about blaming yourself or blaming others, it is simply about creating the awareness. Again, really emphasizing this, creating the awareness, once you have the awareness, acting, to work on that, which you want to work on in the positive way, polishing any strengths, anything negative comes up, give it you know, become aware of it, and then do whatever you need to do in order to process it, strengthen it, or there are times where we simply let it go, right where we have to accept that there’s something that we might not be able to change, right? Maybe we have something, you know, that’s just a part of who we are. And it can and we can look at that in an external level as well. It’s just a part just to we are and maybe we will never write be the loudest voice in the room. Maybe we never want to be the loudest voice in the room. Maybe we will never be you You know this or that and all that’s okay. Because that’s part of self acceptance, being accepting of that which was right for you, and letting go of the shoulds letting go of any voices that are telling you what you should be, right or what you could be. And instead focusing on what you want to be very important, then you’re going to look at the external blockages, situations, people, you know, work environments, anything that is hammering away at your self esteem, really want to look at that. And also be looking at the things in your external environment that really boosts your self esteem that you know, the people who are kind to you maybe the work environment that helps you be really passionate and do what you want to do. Maybe you’re self employed, and you just adore doing what you do and you’re just so invested. And so those are the things you’ll be looking at the extra, both the things that give you joy and help you be really strong and then also looking at up and walking. The areas that are keeping you from being your best. And again, it might be people it might be situations it might be, you know, life circumstances, whatever it is, you just want to be able to detach, look at it like you’re a researcher, and then decide what you want to share. And that’s in your court, right? You get to decide what you want to shift, and you get to decide how you want to shift. And so I’ll give an example here. Because relationships are such a big part of life. Maybe as you’re doing this work, you realize that you’re in a relationship, it can be a romantic relationship, it can be a relationship with a friend, it can be a relationship with a family member, right? But as you’re doing your work, you’re realizing, wow, the other person in this relationship, you know, I’m trying to grow with them and be closer to them and have really healthy dynamics and they are not into it. You know, I talked to them about it and they are just closed Shut off, you know, no chance. You might even say if it’s somebody that hates romantic relationship, Hey, would you be interested in going to therapy with me really want to work through this? And the person might say, no zero interest? Nope, take me as I am or leave. Right? And so you might say, Hmm, that’s really important, you know, decision to make there. And you need to say that you need to let go of that relationship. If there are intractable issues that just keep you stuck, maybe the person is abusive or toxic. Maybe they just shut down and really Stonewall and you feel really alone, even though you’re you are in a relationship. Maybe it’s a family dynamic where somebody is just constantly, you know, judging you or criticizing you. Maybe it’s a friend who doesn’t show up for you the way you show up for them, right? You get to look at all these blockages and say, What do I want to do? And you may make a choice to Stay in the situation because you want to, you may make a choice to just really accept the person for who they are and what they bring to the table and just, you know, stop efforting, you also may decide that you need distance, maybe permanent distance, maybe temporary distance. But those are the choices that you’ll be really looking at, in this segment. And this is this is big works, I want you to proceed really slowly and mindfully, taking changes very slowly so that ultimately you’re not being reactive. But you’re being mindful, you’re being thoughtful, and then you’re creating a healthy response. Okay, so let’s look at a situation just like let’s say again, it’s the same situation with a friend or romantic partner or a family member, and you see some toxic or unhealthy dynamics going on as a result of all this work you’re doing. And you say to the person, you know what I realize there’s a lot you know, I care about you. I love you dearly. I realize there are things happening between us that are not healthy. And I would really like to do some self work with you some, some self work with me some work with you and some work on the relationship. And the person may surprise you, or maybe you won’t be surprised and say, of course, I would love to do that. I would love to become a better human being a better partner, a better friend, whatever it is, and boy, that’s the jackpot, right? And then you’re able to say, oh, let’s start investing. So maybe you you know, get a book that will help you work on it. Maybe you invest in professional psychotherapy, maybe you enter a group of something, maybe you just find time, every time you know, every, every week, sit down and you know really work through communicating better, whatever it is, but again, you notice that that type of relationship, the other person’s gain, the other person is willing to grow on being stronger with you, being a better person with you. And that builds self esteem. So not only are you building self esteem, the other person’s building their self esteem, the relationship, whatever the relationship is, it begins to flourish. And oh my goodness. Now, you are a role model, you’re a role model for yourself. You’re a role model for the other person, their role model for you, your role model for friends and family because they see these two people again, whether it’s friends, whether it’s family, whether it’s romantic partner, they see these people working on radiating love, compassion, empathy, all these good qualities from the inside out and then within the relationship. So that’s an example of how you might start using these assignments. You will be personalizing. This is about I just gave you some very general examples, ones that tend to come up a lot in my work, but you will be really personalizing things so that you can look at relationships in your life, whatever. They are. decide the ones that you want to invest in, you know, choose the ones that you need to make, maybe take a step back from, and maybe you will find ones that you have to say, wow, I need to let this go. I need to let this go. And so again, that’s a big part of your work in the self esteem, right, is to really start fine tuning things, getting ready for changes, because that is what this chapter this section in your life is all about this chapter of your life, this self esteem building process is all about creating more of that which makes you feel good about you. It makes you feel good about the person that you are, that you are living a life that you are proud of, that you have your you know, whatever your moral code is, whatever your values are, that you are living in accord with those and that you feel good That is how we grow self esteem by doing that, which we know is right for us by working on that, and then living that. So that creates a self that is same on the inside, same on the outside. And you can imagine how then you become really comfy in your skin, because you love yourself. You love how you are on the planet, you love how you are in your interactions. Now, a really important piece here is that this doesn’t mean that life will be without challenges and challenges every day in my life. And so it doesn’t mean that we’re free of challenges when we have strong self esteem doesn’t mean that we never get stressed or anxious or, you know, sad or that we don’t grieve anymore. First we do, we’re human. But what we do when we have strong self esteem, we’re able to put all of that into perspective. We’re able to use our trials and live our challenges to make us stronger. We are able to be more flexible, we are able to really listen to others better, we are able to listen to ourselves better, we are able to be more forgiving and kinder, we are able to be more tolerant and more patient, we are able to have really strong boundaries, so that we aren’t accepting abusive behavior from people so that we aren’t accepting critical or demeaning behavior from the self or from others. And again, that’s what this chapter is all about this section. And again, this is the chapter of your life where you get to start blossoming, really, really living the life that feels right to you. And you’ll also notice that you may find yourself standing up in your truth more being more aware of your truth standing up in your truth, more speaking your truth and you may find that you know, Don’t really tolerate bullies really well, and that you really respectfully and kindly set strong boundaries. You may find if you used to be a really aggressive or bully ish type of person, you may find that you don’t need to that anymore, that in fact, you’re coming more to a middle place where you are more confident. So you don’t need to believe. You don’t need to be in a space of I’m right, you’re wrong. I win, you lose. I’m tough, you’re not right. That will all slowly fade away. Because what other people are doing will become far less important than what you are doing. What you are doing, living in accord with your compass being around people that make you feel doing your best to be a good citizen to take care of the planet to take care of your loved ones. All of that won’t be concerned if somebody is not aligned with you. You’re going to be trying to convince them to come to your place. litical party or to do things your way. Instead, you’re going to be saying, well, these are my beliefs. These are my truths. As long as you know we have mutual respect for each other, you can have your paradigm, I have my paradigm. Sometimes, you may even find something about somebody else’s paradigm that you want to integrate into your arms because you as your self esteem strengthens, will be more careful of evaluating situations, information and people. And as long as people aren’t purposefully trying to trick you, you’ll really be able to figure it out and have people in your life that you could be right. And so as you create more and more of that life, you will feel more comfortable in your skin you have, you will have a more peaceful life a more joyful life and you will be able to, again, model that and for the people who come into contact with you, you will be a source of peace. source of tranquility and energy. But you will you will be like the beautiful rock in the rushing stream of life, you know that lock table to be strong and be steady and not be you know pushed one way or another by every storm that comes along. And so that’s a really beautiful way to look at it. But you know, using another metaphor, you will also be more like a palm tree, you’ll be able to sway the situation. So you always have your roots in right just like that rocky will be rooted, you will be strong in your core, but you will also be able to be flexible because that is a sign of strong self esteem. So mixing metaphors a bit there, but they both work because we do want both of those qualities. We want the groundedness and we had life’s challenges, but we also want in daily life to be able to be flexible. And that is what strong self esteem will help you do again. Won’t Get rid of the challenges that it will give you the ability to stay strong to stay steady. And so that is really a lot of what this section is about. I know it is a lot to take in, but you can do it. And then we’re going to come to the last piece that I really want to stress for you. That change takes time, as much as we want. And sometimes I want, you know, change to happen quickly. When we are we just want life to be good and be peaceful. Right? And if I could wave my magic wand, sometimes I wish I could do that. But then the wiser part of me knows that if I could wave a magic wand, then I wouldn’t have invested such hard work. And it is that hard work that builds self esteem. It is that hard work of knowing the challenges that have come to you in life. To know that you have persevered that you have created That you have created that you have crafted a strong body, mind and spirit that helps you move through life with strength, strength yet with flexibility, and that is apart. So we don’t really want that magic. We don’t really want that. If I can give you a pill that would build strong self esteem, you might say, Oh yeah, that sounds great. But then you wouldn’t have all the work behind it. That allows you to say, I did this. I crafted this. I am amazing. And let’s say let’s go back to the discussion about if you have a partner or a friend that’s doing the work with you, right? For you to be able to say we did this, we crafted this we have the best of friends, we are the best partners. We are the you know we are amazing, because you have something between you. And again, it’s the same with yourself and yourself work. Then you have something inside that you have worked hard to create That you have worked really hard to create wasn’t given to you. You did your work, did it. And so even if you came from a very dysfunctional family environment, really tough childhood, even if you’ve had seriously toxic relationships, unsupportive friends, unsupportive family, you know, Horrible Bosses, all of that. If you create a strong self esteem and the face of all that, look at what you have to congratulate yourself on, you get to say, Wow, with everything life has thrown at me. I am strong. I am supple, I am nimble. I am able to navigate all these challenges, and really use these challenges. Use everything that has come at me, turned it for good found the learning lesson and have used it to develop strong self esteem and When you do that, when you are able to look at your life and you will be able to do that as you go on your way, you will be so proud from the inside out in a very humble way, in a very true way of everything that you have created. And now you can do this. I am your fan, I support you in this process. So once you do the worksheet, once you do the quiz, and once you take steps to work on this, every day of your life, you will see changes likely within a month and if you persevere within two months, three months, six months any year, you will see changes over time and you will be so proud of yourself. And research shows that some people show change in self work in changing habits as quickly as you know 1821 days for most people, it is a matter of working for 30 days and then another new 90 days on top of that really dedicated effort. And then somewhere the research shows somewhere around 260 days, those changes that effort become really part of who you are, they become automatically become part of your neurobiology. And when you think about that, 260 days, and the whole scheme of life, nothing, nothing to be able to carry a strong self esteem that you will work on every day for the rest of your life, some days a little harder, some days a little easier. But I can tell you as much as I do this work and have, you know, been working on myself. There are days where, you know, I need a stone, these little polishing my self esteem needs a little polishing, that’s normal, that’s normal. And so that’s the part of life right, that we will do this work, and we enjoy this work. And even though it’s challenging, we embrace this work, because that to me, the journey of life is not about how much external service says I can amass how much you know, I can make my name stick in people’s mind. It’s more about far more about how can I be a good person? How can I be an example to others? How can I support others? How can I love others? How can I make other people’s lives better. And when we take that attitude, it’s a win win. Because if I make your life better, I’m making my life better in the process, because that love, you know, it’s just more of the love and the kindness of the universe. And so when we do that, it’s always a win win. And so I really know you can do this work. Take your time, believe in yourself. Be patient. Be compassionate, be as consistent with your work as possible. Practice, practice. And if you take a step back, right, it’s okay. It’s more We all make mistakes. We all fall back into old habits now and again, that’s normal that’s natural to part of life. So just take that as information, learn whatever lesson there is if there’s a lesson available and keep on moving forward, and when you take that attitude, you will find that your life will transform you will before you know it be living a life of your dreams. And I one more really important point. As you proceed on our journey, you may find that certain people push back. Certain people may not like you as much anymore. Certain people who used to be abusive to you or take advantage of you, or you know, like you being codependent or like that you use substances with them that weren’t healthy for you, or light that you are a people pleaser, or like getting into really dysfunctional fights with you Or like calling you the back sheep, you know, whatever it was, those people might not like that you’re changing, those people might not like that you are getting stronger, those people might actually be a little bit envious, that you are crafting a really beautiful self. So when that happens when you notice that if that happens to you take a deep breath in, deep breath out, stay true to yourself. And if you’re lucky, you’ll have people who notice the changes and really support you and say, Wow, you’re just blossoming in front of my eyes. What are you doing? What are you doing and then you can share with them what you’ve been doing and that way you spread the light, you spread the love and the kindness and all of that goodness. And so remember that piece that’s an important piece because you will find in life. As you do this work. All things will change. favorite sayings that I read was, all things change when you do. And you will see that when you really start changing, when you really put the effort behind the awareness, that consistent effort, you will find that your self esteem will grow and grow and grow. So, my goodness, it has been such a pleasure sharing this journey with you. It truly has. It’s such a joy to me. And so I thank you and I really wish you well in this journey. Because you can do it. I know you can. And I can do it. Anyone can do it, right? Because we’re all so much the same, right? We all have things that have held us back in life and hold us back in life until we can just keep moving forward. And so before I sign off, one more look at my books, aging joyfully again, no matter your age, no matter your gender. This book helps you start practices now. cultivate awareness now, there will make every year of your life and the people that you live with. Read more, because you’ll be doing things that will help you really age every decade in a more radiant way. And then of course, joy from fear, create the life of your dreams by making fear your friend, I still believe in this book, I’m eight years into this book. And it is filled with exercises, self help self esteem work, but it goes you know, beyond that into issues, like anxiety, PTSD, depression, really looking at relationship dynamics, communication skills. And this book, it’s what I wanted was to be able to offer people that book that could be their best friend that could be their mentor and their guide, and this is it. So I thank you again for the journey. I thank you for having the courage to do this work. It does take a lot of courage. It does. Take A lot of work and I so appreciate you. So, enjoy the work cherish it, and I will look forward to seeing you again in another in another course it would be a joy. So be well and as I always say, Shine, shine shine as only you can do. So take good care of yourself and have a beautiful day. Enjoy those worksheets. Take your time. Look at the place and the space and the pace that is right for you. That kind of said all of that well, if not you get it. All right. Take good care. Bye bye.